Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It seems like this time of year gets people a little more anxious, a little more hurried, a little more stressed which is odd because isn't it the time of year that more than ever we should be enjoying one another and feeling peace and mindful of the reason why we celebrate this season.
Don't get me wrong, there is something kind of fun about the hustle and bustle. Something invigorating about it all. And this year I have decided I do not want the holiday to pass by without remembering much from so much going on. We have been doing a Christmas activity every single night, which isn't always easy, but I am always super happy we did it. We have even played a game with Bennett every single night. I like that I will be able to look back and remember these moments.
This year I have been very blessed because I do not feel stressed or anxious at all. I got my shopping done early, kept everything pretty organized and once Bennett's school party was over, which was yesterday, I was breathing a lot easier and felt the Christmas spirit stronger than ever.
On the way to Andy's office today we all sang Christmas carols. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about their little voices singing to their little hearts content. Jadeyn did a little solo of Silent Night and I know that will be a moment I will think of fondly forever. Her tiny little feminine voice singing such a reverent song about such a wonderful night.
Tomorrow is my day to finish up my baking and the wrapping. Here is a little secret about me. I hate with a passion, wrapping. I detest it. Luckily my mom has offered to come and help. I always have visions of these beautifully wrapped gifts and then when it comes down to it, I go to get it done mode. Hopefully tomorrow will go as I hope in the wrapping department.
This was Andy's last day of work for four whole days. I was a like a little girl tonight when I got the call he was on his way home. I cherish every moment I get to spend with him. I adore that guy and honestly cannot get enough of him. Hands down, he is my greatest gift.
I normally get my cards out the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I like to get them out early. Not this year though. They will be more like New Years cards. I am really sad about that. I had the hardest time formatting my picture for the card and finally when I figured it out and got them sent out the return time was way longer than I expected. So hopefully they will be out in the mail tomorrow. I am really sad that they did not go out sooner!
I am overwhelmed by the Christmas spirit this year and am so thankful for it. I feel like I can pause more often to reflect on why this is such a special holiday. I feel like I can cherish each moment with my kids better and relish in my time with my sweet husband of mine. I am so happy for the next four days. The only thing I am sad about is it all ending.
I truly hope everyone enjoys this holiday season and can spend it with the ones you love the most. I feel like a little kid the days before Christmas. You can hardly contain your joy. I hope everyone can feel this same way this year. It is my Christmas wish.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wow, can I just that this pregnancy could not be any different than my others? It is so weird! With my last pregnancy, I threw up every single day and I would say I averaged throughout the entire nine months, 9 times a day. Even the very last day of the pregnancy I threw up. I was so so sick. I took so many different meds, it felt like all the time and all I did was just lay on the couch. Which looking back, I am not sure how I did that with a 7 year old and two 2 years olds and a 1 year old...hmmm. I had to have Iv's because of dehydration and I could not even keep down the pills that were supposed to make me fell better. It was no fun.
This time around, even up to like week 10 at my first appointment, I even questioned if I was pregnant. I was not sick at all. Normally I feel it and throw up before I even take a pregnancy test and this time was so so different. No sickness at all. So crazy and weird. I am not complaining just not what I was used to and just didn't feel pregnant.
At 6 weeks I got really tired. I mean, REALLY tired. Like I seriously couldn't imagine making dinner or even pouring milk for breakfast. I dreaded walking up the stairs and that was when I decided every one will dress themselves. Crazy tired. So I thought, that would be my struggle this time.
At my 14 week appointment, the nurse said it should go away by about 14 weeks. I didn't believe her. That is what everyone said about being sick too. Never happened for me. But you know what? Later that week I got my energy back. I was like a mad woman around here. I went from barely being able to hold my head up, to the person I like to be. I got projects done like you would not believe, Christmas shopping done, house looking OH SO MUCH better. It was great.
I guess the one thing that I found to be on the bright side of being so sick with the others, is I was constantly thinking about them. Always connected to my sweet baby. Every time I would throw up I would just think how great it was going to be to hold my new precious baby. This time though, I have to literally remind myself I am even expecting.
The first trimester flew by and we decided it was time to tell our families. We waited to tell every one around 18 weeks which was Thanksgiving. I had great ideas how I was going to tell everyone and every single one of them flopped. For my family I had a shirt on Paxton that said big brother and no one got it. I nearly spelled it out for my mom, and nothing. Finally after a day of being with her, Bennett said, "Grandma do you get it???Paxton. Big brother?" Finally the light bulb went on. For Andy's family at Thanksgiving I was taking big group photos of everyone and for the last one I said, "Ok on the count of three every one say, Paxton is going to be a big brother!" Well there was so much talking and laughing going on, I am not sure anyone heard! Oh well. Every one know now either through that or cards I made and sent out and we are excited that everyone is in the KNOW now.
Our ultrasound was yesterday. We had gone back and forth about finding out this time. Let me say that I honestly believe it is crazy not to find out. I don't get it. I really don't. People say it is so fun to be surprised, but I am surprised at 20 weeks when I find out? I like to be prepared and ready to go, I want to truly enjoy this new person when they are born not be thinking about other things when they come into this world. That being said, everyone and their dog says to us, even when they did not know we were having another baby, "Oh we so hope it is a girl" and everything else attributing to us having a girl. Yes I would love another girl, for sure! I never though or expected Jadeyn to be my only girl. I always wanted a large family and I it was always important to me for my girls to have sisters and my boys to have brothers. So don't get me wrong, I would love another girl. Who doesn't love pink and all those cute girls clothes? BUT!!!! I will not be sad if this is a boy. I will be very very happy. In fact, I am so sure it is a boy for the past 16 weeks that I have connected to him. I know him. I have a bond with him. Already. If it is a girl as weird as this sounds, I will miss him, but will be extremely happy to hold a sweet little girl in my arms too! SO, either way we are thrilled beyond belief.
So we went into the ultrasound and after seeing everything looked perfect about 40 minutes into it, being that the baby is transverse, we could get no shot at all of any gender indicators. The cord is going right down the tummy and over the "parts". Andy and I were sure sure sure it was a boy, until we walked out of that room and we both looked at each other and said, "that was a girl?" So who knows...we don't. That is for sure.
I am hoping he will do another scan just so I can know. I really hope. I don't think I want to be on team green or yellow, but what team I do like being on is a mom to six! I am truly blessed.
The night before my "babies" birthdays I always reflect on my good ole blog. Last night was no different. I was reading post from when they were wee ones and their birth story and all those fun little posts where they literally little babies. So adorable.
Then last night as we were blowing up 150 balloons, I was feeling a little down that I haven't been better about blogging. So I am hoping to start again. I am SO behind and that is honestly that was one of the reasons why I couldn't start back up. I am going to go from here though. I will recall special events that need to be remembered, but I am going to take my time.
I know how important it is to keep a journal of sorts. I love reading the things I wrote even just as of last year. It is fun to see the stages my children are in as well as myself.
So here is to a whole new blog life...it's a start!
My babies are five today. It doesn't seem real or possible to be honest. How can five years really go that fast? I really can't muster up the words that really describe how I feel about my twins, as I sometimes refer to them. The love I have for them goes beyond words, beyond ways I could truly express what they mean to me and what they did for me.
After we had Bennett, I knew we wanted a large family and knew I wanted another little one fairly quick after we had Bennett. I thought we would wait a year and when Bennett turned a year old we were ready. I had already been pregnant twice before this moment, one ending in miscarriage and one ending with our beautiful boy, so I did not think for a moment we would have a hard time conceiving.
Well that simple dream crashed a burned about a year into "trying". We moved from Utah to Chicago to start our endeavor in dental school, took a short break from trying and regrouped and decided it was time.
Well throughout three very long years nothing was working. I felt broken. I remember every month that dreaded day, just having tears run down my face and question why this would happen to me. Why would such a righteous desire be with held from me? I was confused and hurt. I remember one particular night while saying my prayers, saying to Andy, "I would just rather have too many, than not enough babies." I only used the term too many because in my book, that did not exist. I rolled over that night and fell asleep crying and woke up crying.
A few months later Andy was video taping Bennett reading stories to his animals in bed and he kept calling them Jadeyn and Cortland. Andy, on video, said "who is Jadeyn and Corltand?" Bennett said, "They are my brother and sister. They are coming soon you know." Andy told him that brother and sisters normally come one at a time, but that did not discourage Bennett in the slightest. Bennett wanting a sibling SO bad did not help my wanting a baby so bad in any way. I was mourning for him now.
Cut to two or three months later while I was running on my treadmill the nurse called me and said, we got your blood work back and by the looks of your numbers, you could be having triplets. I remember the treadmill was still going strong and I was sitting right next to it and just began to cry. This time though, they were such tears of joy. Tears that had never felt so good.
I did not for a second believe that I was pregnant with triplets or twins for that matter, but it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I felt as if I had waited for so long. I knew them instantly. I loved them beyond belief. They restored my faith in myself, in life. I felt like the family I had dreamed of was going to not just be a dream, but a reality.
Infertility is not a fun thing. It is tough. The thing that makes is so hard, is no one could understand the pain and grief it causes. Even if you have been through it. People would look at us now and never think we had fertility problems. We are expecting our 6th child for goodness sake. It just goes to prove you never know about any situation for sure. I am just so happy that through those years of wanting a baby, I was able to love on the baby I had. I am grateful for those moments in our lives because they made me stronger, they helped develop the person I am. They are moments I cherish and honestly think of fondly.
Today Jadeyn has had me tell the "birth day" story about five times already. Every time when I get to the part when I say, "The nice doctor handed me baby A and said, here is your sweet tiny baby girl!" she gets the biggest smile on her face and cannot contain her excitement. I know how she feels, because I feel it every time I think of that great day five years ago.
I am one lucky mama to have such beautiful, healthy children whom I adore. I feel blessed beyond belief. Happy Birthday to my sweet twins. I can not thank you two enough for blessing me with two more people to adore my whole life.