Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The day I had been waiting for!

My babies are five today. It doesn't seem real or possible to be honest. How can five years really go that fast? I really can't muster up the words that really describe how I feel about my twins, as I sometimes refer to them. The love I have for them goes beyond words, beyond ways I could truly express what they mean to me and what they did for me.

After we had Bennett, I knew we wanted a large family and knew I wanted another little one fairly quick after we had Bennett. I thought we would wait a year and when Bennett turned a year old we were ready. I had already been pregnant twice before this moment, one ending in miscarriage and one ending with our beautiful boy, so I did not think for a moment we would have a hard time conceiving.

Well that simple dream crashed a burned about a year into "trying". We moved from Utah to Chicago to start our endeavor in dental school, took a short break from trying and regrouped and decided it was time.

Well throughout three very long years nothing was working. I felt broken. I remember every month that dreaded day, just having tears run down my face and question why this would happen to me. Why would such a righteous desire be with held from me? I was confused and hurt. I remember one particular night while saying my prayers, saying to Andy, "I would just rather have too many, than not enough babies." I only used the term too many because in my book, that did not exist. I rolled over that night and fell asleep crying and woke up crying.

A few months later Andy was video taping Bennett reading stories to his animals in bed and he kept calling them Jadeyn and Cortland. Andy, on video, said "who is Jadeyn and Corltand?" Bennett said, "They are my brother and sister. They are coming soon you know." Andy told him that brother and sisters normally come one at a time, but that did not discourage Bennett in the slightest. Bennett wanting a sibling SO bad did not help my wanting a baby so bad in any way. I was mourning for him now.

Cut to two or three months later while I was running on my treadmill the nurse called me and said, we got your blood work back and by the looks of your numbers, you could be having triplets. I remember the treadmill was still going strong and I was sitting right next to it and just began to cry. This time though, they were such tears of joy. Tears that had never felt so good.

I did not for a second believe that I was pregnant with triplets or twins for that matter, but it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I felt as if I had waited for so long. I knew them instantly. I loved them beyond belief. They restored my faith in myself, in life. I felt like the family I had dreamed of was going to not just be a dream, but a reality.

Infertility is not a fun thing. It is tough. The thing that makes is so hard, is no one could understand the pain and grief it causes. Even if you have been through it. People would look at us now and never think we had fertility problems. We are expecting our 6th child for goodness sake. It just goes to prove you never know about any situation for sure. I am just so happy that through those years of wanting a baby, I was able to love on the baby I had. I am grateful for those moments in our lives because they made me stronger, they helped develop the person I am. They are moments I cherish and honestly think of fondly.

Today Jadeyn has had me tell the "birth day" story about five times already. Every time when I get to the part when I say, "The nice doctor handed me baby A and said, here is your sweet tiny baby girl!" she gets the biggest smile on her face and cannot contain her excitement. I know how she feels, because I feel it every time I think of that great day five years ago.

I am one lucky mama to have such beautiful, healthy children whom I adore. I feel blessed beyond belief. Happy Birthday to my sweet twins. I can not thank you two enough for blessing me with two more people to adore my whole life.


Cherise said...

I almost cried while reading this.

Amber said...

LOVED this post. I am so excited for you-- I just read your expecting again! :) I am too!! I am 14 weeks. I long to hold another baby of my own. It has been almost 6 years. When are you due?